My Bad Body Image Day Freakout Moment

We were walking into a gorgeous new home on the market in our area. We had been thinking about moving into a new home and this place just seemed so magical! I was over a year into my Food Freedom journey when all of a sudden, BAM! My Body image freak out moment happened.

As we were walking outside and looking at the pool, my heart was lit up by the sight of this magical back yard. I could see us throwing parties, with the strung-up outdoor lights as the pool festivities were going strong and our friends and family came over to play in our new oasis. But then, something happened, and I suddenly spun into a vicious spiral of “Holy shit, I need to lose weight before I walk around this pool in front of people.” My jeans suddenly felt tighter and more restrictive as my fast and heavy breathing forced me to focus on my stomach overhanging my boa-constrictor-like jeans. I was suddenly repulsed by my own body.

The panic instantly overtook me, and my mind raced with going back to macros and more intense cardio sessions. Not only did these raging emotions make me feel inadequate, unworthy, and unattractive; they surprised me by even being there with this kind of intensity in the first place.

The inner critic in my head said, “Christi, this is what you teach! How can you still have these moments of body disgust when you’ve put so much work into this!” I mean, I’ve had uneasy body image days, but to go back this type of disgust was like me going back to the 5^th grade, Billy Madison style. I didn’t belong there, yet, there I was blemished and bruised with the shame, guilt and hate game I’ve always wrestled with before.

My mind went straight for the self-destructive thoughts of who I used to be. The need for being lean, cellulite-free, and having less “bounce” took over me and I was suddenly drowning in my self-created pool of not being or looking good enough.

It was like my mean girl just took over the wheel and was steering my ship right back where I had worked so hard to get out of. WTF?! “Christi, what did you do to your body? Where did you go? You said this would only make you gain a few pounds and now look at you!? What have you done!?” My mean girl was shouting at me in a disgraceful and shaming language and my head fell to my chest as my crown slowly slid down and crashed to the ground.

The car ride home was silent and all I could think about was that, if we did get that house, then I couldn’t be the Mom who lived there with a great backyard and a pool and look like this. My mind was speeding through all the past diets I’ve been on and I was taking inventory of what I could afford to do without going back to the diet-hell I’ve worked so hard free myself from. But then I remembered something… I left that hell for a reason.

I suddenly started to see clearly after this initial thought. I asked myself, “Ok Christi, you are free to do whatever the hell you want with your body, BUT… what would change if you got that lean body again? You would have to go back to that rigid lifestyle around food because that body IS NOT sustainable for you. You would have to stop seeing your AMAZING clients because you would not be practicing what you preach, and you would have no more Pizza and Ice Cream parties with your boys. Are you ready to give all of that up again?” Then I thought, “Would your friends not want to come over anymore because you’re in a bigger body? Would your family not love you anymore? Would you lose money? Would your kids not want to call you Mom anymore? What would REALLY happen if the body you are in right now was flaunted instead of hated?”

Just then I realized that I had shifted gears from speeding through hatred and disgust and I was suddenly slowing down to a level of curiosity and investigation. When you slow down, you can start to see the big picture instead of cruising by so fast that all you see is blurs. You cannot be in investigation mode without first switching gears out of self-destruction and into curiosity.

You see, in moments like these when our goggles of hate and shame for our bodies are forced over our face by our mean girl, we need to allow our compassion to step in and take charge. At this point, we need to first recognize that these goggles were put onto us and that they can come off. Let me show you. The next time you look in the mirror, I want you to find all of the flaws you used to see in yourself 25 weeks ago when you first started this course. Then, immediately after that, take off the goggles (physically – this is a physical movement that will break a hard-wired habit loop) and find the things that you find pretty amazing about your body. What makes you feel safe about your body? What does your body do for you? Are you more muscular in certain areas? Do you have curves that you’re proud of? What are you good at and how does your body allow you to do those things that fulfill you in life? What are some of the other things your body is capable of that doesn’t revolve around how it looks?

When I ask you if you like yourself, the first thing you probably think about is if you like the way your body looks. But I didn’t ask if you liked your body, I asked if you like YOURSELF. Because your body image stems from your need for approval of yourself. If you don’t approve of yourself then, of course, you wouldn’t like or approve of your body. Think of this as trying to love someone you hate in life. It’s harder to love the people you hate, loathe, or are disgusted by, especially if it’s what you see in yourself.

I remembered that restrictive and fix-it-mode life I was living in around my body. Did I really want to go back to that? Did I really want to go back to hating myself lean and counting every single lick and morsel I put in my mouth? Did I want to be afraid to go out to eat again or wonder what excuse I could come up with as to why I wasn’t eating at the party? Did I want to go back to that elusive lifestyle of always trying to please everyone but myself? Before any diet or any form of structured nutrition, I have to uncover the power and love within myself.

I reminded myself that I am human and as humans, we are all imperfect. No matter what social media says, even our favorite fitspo has body image issues. Even our friend who we think has the perfect body has hard days about how she looks as well. No one is free from this inner critic, but if she’s there, we have the choice to let her take over us with her goggles or we can tame the beast before she gets too big.

I am becoming a POWERFUL Woman who is no longer susceptible to the opinion of others about my body.

I am not going to allow myself to be reduced down to a bathing suit bottom size for my measurement of worthiness. I am a person who lives in the spirit of learning herself and I am whole and complete just the way I am right now. Even if I’m not at my leanest, my body shape is the least important thing about me. I have so much to offer other people than the shape and size of my body. If people want to make fun of me for “gaining weight” or talk about how I have to wear one-pieces now, then they shouldn’t be over at my house anyway. If I want to change the shape of my body just because I fear that people won’t understand this Food Freedom journey that I’m going on, then they’re not invited to my pool AT ANY TIME! I don’t want those people in my life because I will no longer accept that negativity of reducing my worthiness down to the shape of my body.

I am healthy in my very own, personal, and unique way right now. Feeling misunderstood by others is the great price I will pay in order to find the acceptance and love within myself. I am truly being myself when I am walking out into this Wilderness and leaving the status quo behind. It’s out here in the Wilderness where I will find my true tribe and I will be able to be myself and finally accept myself. It’s out here in the lonely Wilderness where I will find out who I really am and allow myself the deep care I have been searching for all along. The wilderness demands that kind of respect out of yourself, or else you’ll get eaten alive by the Monsters that lie in the murky waters of insecurity and you’ll run right back to the status quo. Out here, you are taking a leap of faith that you are enough. And when you finally step out into the unknown and get uncomfortable, is where you find your growth.

Remind yourself who you really are. If we had to walk around like Jack Skellington from A Nightmare Before Christmas, all bones and no flesh, who would you be? Who would you be if this connotation of your body image equaling your worthiness were no longer an issue? Because you have that power within you right now. You just need to unleash it.

So, who would you be without your body? I’m asking you this question so you can say it out loud. What is the first thing you think of when I ask who you are without your body? Because that is the main thing that is holding you back right now. Your mean girl is just bringing an outdated form of protection to your attention. Tell her, that kind of self-hate is no longer tolerated here.

This process of training the mean girl to cease and desist takes a very long time to master. Because she is your roommate in your head, and you can’t get rid of her. Instead, learn when to ask her to leave or tell her that kind of talk is unacceptable in this body and space. Above all, know when she needs a hug. Think of how often you need that hug and give that to her.

Remember I deserve it, I give it. I deserve love therefore I need to give love to my mean girl. You are not your mean girl because she is fear and you are not fear, you are just experiencing fear. Do not identify with her but acknowledge her presence and decide how you want to deal with your roommate in that experience. This will take time at first, but you will eventually be able to take only a minute or two of calming down and taming your inner critic once you practice this enough. Yes, this does take practice and you will have many more incidences like this one, but just know that with each instance, the time it takes to re-center and re-align gets shorter and shorter until this empowering self-talk becomes a normal part of your everyday life. It will happen, just be patient, and keep practicing.

Yes, my mean girl is still here too. But instead of believing her and allowing her to control my actions, I can honestly say that she comes to visit less and less because of all this practice. She is getting smaller and smaller as I decorate myself with compassion, positivity, worthiness, and self-care. If I’m being completely honest, she is wanting to become more like me so she can stand in the light of my heart, rather than the corner of my mind that is dark, dusty, lonely and hateful.

Watch out that you are not making up stories in your head about what others are saying about you. I once saw a friend look at me up and down and whisper to a friend, then look back at me. I instantly thought, “I knew it, I look ridiculous and too fat in this dress and now they are talking about me.” I was angry and resentful towards them the entire day until they came up to me and asked me where I got the dress. They said they were admiring it the second I walked through the door. All of that negative and self-destructive energy was wasted on a made-up scenario in my head. When those thoughts of others not approving of you start taking up mental space in your head, remind yourself that it is only a story, neither real nor absolute, just a story.

I explain this deeper in my COURAGEOUS NOURISHER COURSE which is only available through my 6-month One on One Coaching program! We also have an exhilarating exercise on how to cope with those pictures you see of yourself that you absolutely loathe. This doesn't have to become your everyday life. You can find that self-compassion within you again.

Click HERE to see the layout of my One on One Coaching Program. It will be the last Physical and Mental Health Program you'll ever need to feel WHOLE again.

Still unsure? Click HERE to check out some FREE resources for your Food Freedom journey!

Wholeheartedly Yours,

Christi Brown, PN1

Intuitively Strong