The Day My Toddler Walked in on My Eating Disorder

The day I knew I had to get help...

⚠️ (Contains potentially triggering content) ⚠️

This is an embarrassing story I have only shared with a few people. But the more I open up about this, the more I think people can relate to this in some way.

People always ask me what my turning point was from an obsessive world of strict fitness and weighing out my broccoli, to a completely free, effortless, and peaceful world around food and exercise.

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED THE DAY I KNEW SOMETHING HAD TO CHANGE

It was Summertime and my firstborn son (16 months old at the time) was taking swim lessons. I had taken the past year to "get my body back" after baby and even though I promised myself I would never go back to bulimia and super restrictive macro counting again, I got to a point where if I wanted to get even leaner, I couldn't do it without severe force. I was already lean and fit, but my perfectionism drove me to want MORE! MORE! Always MORE! Because what I had was never good enough. And if I wasn't pushing for more, then it always felt like I wasn't trying hard enough. I had no other mode than Drive or Park. I could never just go the speed limit or sit in neutral. I was always either "on" or "off" stuck in an all-or-nothing world around health.

I was a former Bodybuilder and if I wanted you to look at me as someone healthy, fit, and inspiring, you couldn't see anything else but "fitness" on me. Everything else was unacceptable for my very high and very unattainable expectations of myself. 

It was 2 hours before swim lessons and I had just finished my typical 4:30 AM workout which consisted of a 2.5-hour long strength and cardio routine for the 6th day in a row (I was always 6 days on and 1 day off), without any breaks or deloads in my exercise program for 7 months straight. I was completely exhausted and underfed... but I had the body. 🙃

About 20-minutes after my egg white omelet with 1 tbsp of shredded cheese, 1/4 cup of oats with water (my only allotted carbs for the day), and my protein shake for breakfast, I was STARVING and knew a binge was on the rise.

This always happened. The binges were becoming more frequent and the leaner I got, the more my body fought back with bingeing and secretly eating an entire box of Clif bars or eating 3 bagels in a row smothered in a jar of peanut butter among many other forbidden foods.

I couldn't control myself and I went to town on anything I could find in the pantry that was previously considered off-limits to me. I pounded sleeves of stale 4-week-old cookies, my son's toddler snacks (puffs, yogurt melts, and graham crackers), packaged oatmeal, ice cream, and the leftovers my husband had from dinner the night before.

After the storm of binge eating had passed, I sat there in absolute disgust knowing I had to get into a bathing suit and put on my happy-go-lucky Mom face. But I was absolutely exhausted mentally and physically at that point. I just went numb. I felt miserable and pathetic, like a discarded mattress all used up, being thrown out onto the curb in hopes someone would have pity on me, clean me up, and take me home.

I knew I promised myself I wouldn't... but I had to. So, I purged. And just then, I heard little footsteps coming my way. As I opened up the bathroom door, eyes bloodshot accompanied by dark circles, and my face as white as a ghost, I saw him staring at me.

"Mommy, sick?" 

Tears were streaming down my face and my heart sank to the deepest depths of my crushed soul as I said to myself,

"This has to end, NOW."

And that was my turning point. That was the time when I knew something had to change. I didn't want to live that life anymore. I didn't want to be the Mom that had to eat different meals than her kids, spending hours logging food into macro calculators and always asking for recipes so I could scan in the exact macro count.

I didn't want to tell my kids, "Mommy isn't hungry" when we took them out for ice cream and they asked why I wasn't eating as I stared hangrily and ferociously at their half-eaten cones. 

And I just wanted to enjoy a date night out with my hubby without having to restrict my breakfast and lunch just so I could enjoy a piece of white bread at the restaurant. 

And most importantly, I didn't want my kids growing up with a Mother who had such an unhealthy relationship with food and her body.

And most of all, I didn't want to pass it down to them. 

Whether you have kids, nieces, Godchildren, nephews, or friends with babies, those little eyes are taking in every little thing that you are doing whether you notice it or not. How you speak to yourself and treat yourself will become their way of treating and speaking to themselves. 

If you need more help with this, Check out my Resource Page or Work with me One on One to begin the healing process.