My Empowering Boudoir Photo Shoot 30 Lbs Up

 

It was about 5 years ago when I deepened my journey into the Fitness world and thought I would try out Bodybuilding. About a month away from my competition, I was starting to lean out and see my muscles coming through like I never had before. My perfectly prepped and timed meals kept me lean and my commitment to this extreme show prep kept me out of the bars and in bed early for my 3-a-day training sessions. My excuse for not having a drink was finally valid and I felt power in this restricted life I was creating for myself. I was feeling confident about my outer shell for the first time in FOREVER. So, I got a referral from a friend that lead me to Photographer, Candice Lamarand because I figured my body would finally be good enough and cellulite-free the week before my show!

 

I scheduled my Boudoir Photoshoot a week out from my Bodybuilding Competition. A week before the competition is called Peak Week and deemed the most strenuous and tiresome week in the sport of Bodybuilding. I was gaunt, extremely fatigued and I looked sick from being underfed and overworked. Dehydration and drying out aged me 10 years along with the ever-so-lovely dark circles that hugged my lower eyelids like a squid suction-cupped to a rock. I didn't feel sexy AT ALL because I was so tired and run down. Sexy was the last thing on my mind. I was eating minimal calories and working out close to 5 hours a day. I had NO LIFE and I was so lean that my body couldn't produce enough hormones or proteins to keep my body adequately fueled. So it shut down the unnecessary systems in order to keep my brain functions going. Goodbye period.

 

 

 

Don't get too excited, ladies. This meant having a super low sex drive and ZERO desire to feel sexy. This was all part of the process and where I took a wrong turn in this sport. It wasn't Bodybuilding that made me this way, it was the mindset I had after the show that killed me. Because YOU CANNOT KEEP A STAGE-LEAN BODY. This is one reason I HATE when people pin show-lean contestants as their #bodygoals on their "GET SKINNY" Pinterest boards. Even Bodybuilding coaches will tell you that look is unsustainable and unhealthy for a long-term lifestyle. And my body was just trying to survive at this point, it didn't care about a photoshoot. So a day before my scheduled photo session, I called and canceled with my photographer and moved the Boudoir Photo Shoot to 2 weeks after my show when I thought my body would feel rejuvenated and beautiful again!

 

The 2-week mark came up quick and I kept getting more and more frustrated as my expectations to keep this depleted body got stronger and further away from my goal. I binged on all the foods I couldn't have during my prep and felt an intense layer of guilt and shame being padded onto my thighs.

 

When my re-scheduled photoshoot came back up, I was embarrassed that my body had gained 7 necessary pounds. Then the body dysmorphia set in when my skinny clothes started to fill out with my healthy body again. I emailed her and canceled it altogether. Even though I was about 25 pounds leaner than my previous attempt 3 years prior, my body still wasn't perfect enough.

 

So I set out on a mission to get back to a just-stepped-off-the-stage lean body. But genetically, my blueprint just wasn't meant to sustain show-lean figure, NOBODY IS MEANT TO SUSTAIN THAT. But I didn't listen. Instead, I brought back the eating disorders and persisted in the resistance of "health" at all costs. Because skinny meant healthy to me and weight gain of any kind meant failure in my world. I was in pursuit of the perfect body and one dimple of cellulite would throw that venture off into not-good-enough land.

 

Fast forward 6 years through two pregnancies, a hip replacement, and some serious issues around my mental and physical health. My body and mind finally had enough with the militant macro counting, excessive workouts, and mental space being taken up by moralizing my foods and specific body parts as good or bad. I couldn't keep this vicious cycle up of constantly thinking about food, bingeing on the weekends and restricting on the weekdays any longer. So I found a coach in the Food Freedom world in hopes that my dysmorphic body image would start to heal. I knew I needed help but never realized the mental journey it would take me on. I never knew it would give me more confidence in a bigger body than I ever had in a leaner one. I always thought Intuitive Eating meant giving up on yourself. but it was the exact opposite. It turned out, it was total freedom. 

 

Enter 7 years later when I am about 30 lbs up from my breakdown weight and knee-deep into the world of Intuitive Eating and body acceptance. I was still feeling insecure about my body and knew I needed something totally outside of my realm to help me step into the light and accept this bigger body of mine. As I was scrolling through my email one day, I came across the thread with Candice and remembered that lonely deposit that was waiting for me to take advantage of. I called Candice and she generously accepted my deposit I made 4 years prior. We scheduled a date for MY BOUDOIR SHOOT, 30 LBS UP.

 

 

I stopped letting the opinion of others and my vision of what I thought healthy should be, dictate my worth. I stopped allowing myself to feel bad for not fitting into a perfect mold of what I thought "health" should look like and found my own, healthiest and ideal body. Even though I had plans of doing this Boudoir Photoshoot on our first Anniversary, I gave it to him on our seventh. It took me a while, but I got there. I DID IT! And I'm pretty sure I'm going to do this every year or so now because I am finally EMPOWERED by my own body. 

 

 

Written with love, hope, and scars, by